The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?