The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?