There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.

When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.

Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don't the homeless just go out and get a job? If he's wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don't think he's going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I'm pretty sure that McDonald's has a no underwear over your pant policy.

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.