There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right.

The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.