I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.