I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?