Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.

You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.