Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.

The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.