"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.

A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.