"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.

Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.

Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don't the homeless just go out and get a job? If he's wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don't think he's going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I'm pretty sure that McDonald's has a no underwear over your pant policy.