If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.

If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.