If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.