If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.