There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.

If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?