We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right.

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.