We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.