Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?

You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?