Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.