When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?