Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."