Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.

Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don't the homeless just go out and get a job? If he's wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don't think he's going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I'm pretty sure that McDonald's has a no underwear over your pant policy.

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.