Unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency should be quietly hanged as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.

There is something even more valuable to civilization than wisdom, and that is character.

The only kind of freedom that the mob can imagine is freedom to annoy and oppress its betters, and that is precisely the kind that we mainly have.

The kind of man who demands that government enforce his ideas is always the kind whose ideas are idiotic.

I'm ombibulous. I drink every known alcoholic drink and enjoy them all.

Good government is that which delivers the citizen from being done out of his life and property too arbitrarily and violently-one that relieves him sufficiently from the barbaric business of guarding them to enable him to engage in gentler, more dignified, and more agreeable undertakings.

Human life is basically a comedy. Even its tragedies often seem comic to the spectator, and not infrequently they actually have comic touches to the victim. Happiness probably consists largely in the capacity to detect and relish them. A man who can laugh, if only at himself, is never really miserable.