I deal with stress in two ways because there are two kinds of stress. There's stress that you can take care of and there's stress that you can't. The first one, I take care of it as fast as possible, because putting it off always makes it worse. Things that I can't fix? I think about the fact that I can't fix them. I think about why I can't fix them and I come to terms with the fact that this is a problem that I'm not going to overcome and that the world is not a wish granting factory.

Stop listening to people telling us we need to hate each other

So you go on and on, with this intellectual fly down, your underwear exposed, and toilette paper hanging out the back of your pants.

But the truth of the matter is, to live a good life, as a good person, it doesn't matter how you got there. It just matters that you do.

Making an un-perfect decision is far, far better than not making a decision, which is the worst possible decision you could make.

So the president is like, "Well, once upon a time it was Congress's job to decide whether or not we attacked countries, so let's let them decide." Which is funny, because, as we all know, if Congress were on fire, Congress could not pass the "Pour Water on Congress Act".

‎Sometimes I feel like when someone asks me if I believe in God, it's like a blind person asking if I'm black, so that they can put me in the right category.