We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

I am frozen musically somewhere around 2004.

I don't drink before shows.