I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving - that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?

I never learned how to tie my shoes, and I was mocked for that. I still don't know how to.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

Just give us 50 years where we're the only ones who are allowed to profit from art, and then you can do whoever you want. In fact, I'll buy you the paint. Whatever you want. Just give us 50 years. 50 years. That's it.