It's all very well having a great pianist playing but it's no good if you haven't got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.

I feel like I've been on EastEnders all my life and now I'm playing King Lear.

I might be in a bit of a Skoda garage rather than a Mercedes garage, but I am telling you some old bangers don't half polish up great.

I feel like a steaming cow-pat - or a car that's clocked up 400,000 miles in one journey.

Apparently it’s my fault that the Titanic sank.

Roy Keane's like a shark. He has those eyes. You don't know if he is going to buy you a drink or eat you.

He's going to be what?! Oh for God's sake. Sir David Beckham? You're having a laugh. He's just a good footballer with a famous bird.