I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!

You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.