You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!

I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.