Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.