When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that's the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.

You can't go to the bathroom alone... you might not come back. Cause no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It's true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.