I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing. Kids get heavy. Quite literally. They're heavy to lift up when they're throwing tantrums.

I was the hallway clown in high school.

Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.

I'm street smart. You can't con me. But that's just from living in New York. Now if a guy came from Mississippi somewhere, Ohio somewhere, to New York City for the first time, he don't have the street smarts. You can take him.