For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?

You have to fail, man, but you cannot allow failure to stop you from doing what you must do. Failing is just as good as succeeding in a lot of ways. It's how you react to it all. You can react to success the wrong way and be a total failure. Or you can react to losing with your whole heart, learn from it, and be a huge success. In stand-up, I've learned to know when I'm burning it up or when I'm being so-so. That's experience. I learn every single time I'm on a stage.

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.

I'm a thief. I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers.

A lot of comedians are selfish.