Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

I should be European. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.

I was the hallway clown in high school.

Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.