Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.

I'm nice with damn kids, man. Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids and I can get into the mind of a kid.

At the top of this list has to be "get in that ass". It's the ultimate Leonism to get you through life.

I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.

You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing. Kids get heavy. Quite literally. They're heavy to lift up when they're throwing tantrums.