I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

There's book smart, there is street smart, there's relationship smart, there's too many different kinds of smarts to know all of them. Everybody doesn't know every kind of smart. There's money smart, there's movie smart, there's computer smart. There's just too many different kinds of smarts for people to know all the smarts.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.

You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?