I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.