You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?

Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing. Kids get heavy. Quite literally. They're heavy to lift up when they're throwing tantrums.

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

Improv relies just as much on listening as it does you delivering dialogue. That's the hard for some people. Some people just concentrate on what they're going to say, and they're not listening. You have to listen in order to see where the other person is going to.

I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.

You can't let people take advantage of you. Go get that ass.