Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.

I’m trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don’t know if there’s any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

A lot of comedians are selfish.