I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.

I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

In my stand-up, I've always been loose. If there's a curtain onstage, I'll use that in my act. If there's a door, I'll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.

I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.