I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

Sometimes you got to put somebody in their place, let them know that you mean business and you're a grown ass man.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.

You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

I'm a thief. I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers.