The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest.

And people are intrigued if I really am as grumpy in real life. People feel a bit let down if I'm laughing or smiling.

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.

I have had issues with depression all my life, and it's probably true to say there was a tendency towards it even when I was very young, during my schooldays. There was often - and this is quite common with comics - a sense of not feeling as if I belonged anywhere.

I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.

One of my friends went on a murder weekend, now he is doing life for it.

In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight.