Make lots of money. Enjoy the work. Operate within the law. Choose any two of three

One of my friends went on a murder weekend, now he is doing life for it.

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.

I tend not to trust people who live in very tidy houses. I know that on the surface there is nothing wrong with a person being well-ordered and disciplined. Nothing, except that it leaves the impression of that person having lived in the confines of a stark institution which, although he or she has long since left, remains within.

I was so keen to become a comedian that actually doing the comedy itself almost came second.

I love mixing with comedians when I'm working with them, but when I'm not I don't feel the need to hang around with them.

In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight.