America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they really think will happen. There are so many variations and possibilities that there's no way to ever really know for certain.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

Jews are told that they should spend their lives helping others and when they make a lot of money it really bothers them. So, as a way to decrease their guilt, they try to help the underdog. They think, "Why should I be rich when so many suffer?" They feel better once they run to the party that claims to defend the underdog, the Democrats.