Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
Jackie MasonEverybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.
Jackie MasonYou know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
Jackie MasonPeople make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.
Jackie MasonProstitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?
Jackie MasonLadies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
Jackie MasonThe pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.
Jackie MasonThe New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of the news - that's the last thing they'd ever do.
Jackie MasonI was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
Jackie MasonThe main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.
Jackie MasonMy material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
Jackie MasonWhy is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got!
Jackie MasonOn the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.
Jackie MasonDid you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
Jackie MasonAs a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth anyway. They simply can't accept the idea of ever being Republicans.
Jackie MasonI've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
Jackie MasonThe Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over a lifetime of excellent service, there's never been a hint of corruption in his behavior but everybody investigates him.
Jackie MasonI always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
Jackie MasonI have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
Jackie MasonBy these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
Jackie MasonI'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
Jackie MasonI'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!
Jackie MasonAll the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.
Jackie MasonOlder Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they do.
Jackie MasonI've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
Jackie MasonI can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.
Jackie MasonPredictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they really think will happen. There are so many variations and possibilities that there's no way to ever really know for certain.
Jackie MasonMy grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Jackie MasonPeople come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.
Jackie MasonBlacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
Jackie MasonIt's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Jackie MasonThey call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.
Jackie Mason