The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth anyway. They simply can't accept the idea of ever being Republicans.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.