The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.

Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.