Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?

No male can beat a female in the long run because they have it over us in sheer, damn longevity.

I have figured for you the distance between the horns of a dilemma, night and day, and A and Z. I have computed how far is Up, how long it takes to get Away, and what becomes of Gone. I have discovered the length of the sea serpent, the price of priceless, and the square of the hippopotamus. I know where you are when you are at Sixes and Sevens, how much Is you have to have to make an Are, and how many birds you can catch with the salt in the ocean - 187,796,132, if it would interest you.

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

The difference between our decadence and the Russians is that while theirs is brutal, ours is apathetic.

I'm sixty-five and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-eight.