I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness.

It’s mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about.

The Bible, I've said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction.

Every year my family would pile into the car for our vacation and drive 80 trillion miles just to prove we couldn't get along in any setting.

For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.

There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

We're our own worst enemies a lot of the time, but I still blame men.