Everyone knows that if you buy chocolate with spare change, then the calories don't count.

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.

I failed math twice, never fully grasping probability theory. I mean, first off, who cares if you pick a black ball or a white ball out of the bag? And second, if you’re bent over about the color, don’t leave it to chance. Look in the damn bag and pick the color you want.

Do you have someone watching her house?” (Stephanie) “That kind of surveillance only happens in the movies. We’re so underbudgeted we’re one step away from holding bake sales to pay for toilet paper. (Morelli)

Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy. "I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break.

Some people learn from books, some listen to the advice of others, some learn from mistakes. I fit into the last category. So sue me.

I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?