Grandma Mazur stood two feet back from my mother. "I gotta get me a pair if those," she said, eyeballing my shorts. "I've still got pretty good legs, you know." She raised her skirt and looked down at her knees. "What do you think? You think I'd look good in them biker things?" Grandma Mazur had knees like doorknobs.

Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head." Eddie DeChooch

Were really screwed up, aren't we?" "In a very large way.

I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.

I rolled my eyes so far into the top of my head I almost fell over backward.

I've finally reached a stage in my career where I can do what I want.

Are you telling me your brain and your lady parts decided on a love fest bake-off winner?