Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.

I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.

They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.