Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff didn't know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn't get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.

McDonald's announced that it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn't it?

One thing about mildly dyslexic people - they're good at setting everything else aside to pursue one goal.

You know what Ken Lay had for breakfast this morning? Shredded Wheat.

Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this - they were hoping for the death penalty.

President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.

In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones - tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs.