Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff didn't know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn't get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.

Changing the story until you believe it.

What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.

John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?

Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.

According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.