Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can't vote again. It's a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover.

Today the Justice Department released e-mails where Walker criticized America. In the e-mails he said he never wanted to set foot in America again. See, that's the good part about hanging somebody. Their feet don't touch the ground.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry.

Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay.

Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney.

Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too. They look just like the genuine, worthless Treasury bonds.