Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.

I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

I don't want to say Gray Davis is on the run, but today he released an audiotape on the Al Jazeera network from his underground bunker somewhere in the Sacramento area.

Republicans are now saying that Dan Rather should lose his job because he misled the country with bogus information. Which is odd because the Democrats are saying the exact same thing about President Bush.

Women get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. It's like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you're not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.