The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.

Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.

Arnold Schwarzenegger made his tax returns public, [and] now there's a problem about him stretching the truth. Apparently under occupation he put down 'actor.'

Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes now.

President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.

Services were held today for Ken Lay - convicted thief and crook Ken Lay.They folded his arms across his chest and sowed his sleeves together so he couldn't put his hands in anyone's pockets when they walked by. You know when they say in a eulogy, "You're all richer for having known him." I don't think they're going to hear that.