A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.

Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.

Do you realize that the Bush administration has now produced more gay marriages than jobs?

As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her - at her bank.