A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance.

Corporations complained about [safety] regulations, but let's face it, people walk away from accidents now that would have killed them when I was a kid

Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?

My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.

Happiness is a privilege.