We all shared this experience. We all had one brain, we were one giant organism working and having joy. "What about Walken?" Sorry, bro...Maybe I should've done an hour and 34 minutes.

Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over...and they share the same asshole.

Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.

I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.

All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week... It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.