I remember I used to go to The Laugh Factory and just goof off onstage, and then I'd see Dane Cook. He did a bit about his Mom making the bed in the summertime when he was a kid. He just said "Vroom!" and threw the sheet up in the air and the sheet would just stay over the bed for like a minute and a half. All he had were his arms out, but I could see the sheet. And he didn't do anything. He just kept it there. And I went, "I have to write more."

Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.

What's great about stand-up unlike athletes and other things when you get old you get old and rusty.

I don't have the ability to do a nine-to-five nor do I have the desire to. Stand-up is the only thing that's come completely naturally to me.

This is NOT a pretty good business. You cannot be pretty good and be a national headliner. That becomes the allure.

I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.

When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.