This is NOT a pretty good business. You cannot be pretty good and be a national headliner. That becomes the allure.

George Carlin put it best. He said, "My old act was so easy to do because there was so little of me in it."

If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.

The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social commentary.

All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week... It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.

I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.