When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.

You could teach [George] Carlin in college. It's the construction of the word and the order of things and how they go. How all those sentences are timed perfectly.

If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh, here he goes, turning the corner on his career, he's on the downswing..."

Every time you talk about politics or religion, know that the moment you open your mouth you're isolating 50% of your audience, in any medium. You're taking 50% of people that'll buy tickets to come see you and you're removing them from the equation.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?