When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.

There's not a rocket scientist, not a doctor, not an accountant that 30 years in goes, "Oh, now I'm getting it. Now I can't wait to get back out there because I'm better than ever."

[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh, here he goes, turning the corner on his career, he's on the downswing..."

Every time you talk about politics or religion, know that the moment you open your mouth you're isolating 50% of your audience, in any medium. You're taking 50% of people that'll buy tickets to come see you and you're removing them from the equation.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.

I realized early I can manipulate the ceiling in the middle class. The allure becomes how far I can make the ceiling rise.